Have you ever wanted to ask God a question, but were afraid to ask it? Each one of us could probably sit down with God and ask Him several questions. I have one point in question
but I'll save it until later.
Now, my first marriage was a disaster. It ended after only three months. Both of us
were responsible for the failure of the marriage. We married for the wrong reasons.
He wanted to be like his older brother and take a wife. I wanted to get out of the
house and away from my mother. And, there you have it - a formula for making
your first marriage not last forever.
Then, five months after my divorce, I finally met the right man. But seriously, I
wasn't looking for anybody. He was kind and courteous. My dog, Misty, loved
and adored him; however, I took the time to get to know his family.
His family was like Father Knows Best, Leave It To Beaver, and
Ozzie and Harriet all rolled into one. His parents were devoted to
one another and cared for each other. While his family was not perfect,
they were pretty well close to it.
I really don't know when his mother started to work or why she decided to
go to work. Anyway, she became a lunchroom manager and enjoyed
her job until her retirement.
My family came straight out of The Twilight Zone. My mother's first
marriage also ended in divorce. She became an unhappy woman and a
very bitter person after that. Because her life didn't turn out like she expected,
she wanted to make my life as miserable as hers.
Though she had been the valedictorian of her high school class, and
could have gone to college to get a degree; she did not. Of course,
she was forced to work in order to support her three children. Because
she was a responsible and a reliable person, she was often given more
to do from her employers. I really don't think that she liked her
work, although she had to do it.
I remember one incident that remains as clear in my mind today
as it did on the day it happened. I was singing in the church choir
at the First Baptist Church in Barnesville. My grandmother, Jewell Edwards,
and my boyfriend, Terry Long, were sitting in the front row. They were talking
back and forth like old friends. After the service, Granny said that he would
never stop me from doing what I wanted to do. I thought to myself,
"Perhaps, maybe this was the right man to marry."
You know how the story ends. We got married on December 19, 1981;
and ever since that day, he has been stopping me from doing what
I want to do!
I have wanted to stay at home since the day we married. We were not able to have
children; however, the money we would have saved for raising our children
was spent on infertility treatments - which were not successful.
How could I stay at home if I had no children?
Before I quit teaching permanently in 1986, God had prepared me to do
something else. That hidden talent that lay undiscovered for 30 years was
my ability to write. By the time I had finished one writing course and had
one article printed in The Griffin-Daily News, there was a new job awaiting
me at The Barnesville-Herald Gazette. I could hardly believe it!
I was just a beginner and nothing had ever happened so quickly
in my entire life.
On the home front, however, it was a different story. My mother would have killed me if
she had owned a gun. Everybody except for Terry, was in shock because I had ditched
my master's degree in education for something that I enjoyed doing. He agreed with me
that I had made the right decision, although he greatly missed my teacher's monthly
salary. The only person who supported me was my sister-in-law who was new to the family.
Soon thereafter, I attended a writing class at Gordon College. Then, the students of that
class formed a writing group - of which I had been elected President of The Flint River Writers Group. After that, I became a published author; however, no one really cared
about what I was doing.
My personal nightmares began when my father-in-law died of cancer in 1991 and
my mother disowned me in 1992. Due to the circumstances, we moved as far away
from my hometown as we could. His father had always wanted a cabin in the woods,
so, Terry went in that specific direction. That's how we came to live in Ellijay, Georgia.
In 1994 I was working at Amicalola Falls State Park when I kept insisting
that I wanted to stay home and write. By then, he certainly knew what I
wanted to do. However, he didn't want to hear or acknowledge it. He told me
in no uncertain terms, "You cannot write anymore."
It became such an issue in our marriage that we took it to our local minister.
You won't believe this, but he said, "If it's causing such trouble in your marriage,
you should quit writing." I was thinking, "What? Are you crazy? I am a Christian
writer." At times I have wondered if he would have said the same thing -
had his wife been in the office with us.
At that time I couldn't deal with it anymore myself. I even turned against myself
and totally shut down. Both my mother and my husband had thrown me into a
deep, dark pit. That pit was called "clinical depression". Terry blamed everything
on my mother as he did not find any fault with himself.
I was able to get the help I needed, including medication and a Christian psychologist
named Dr. Gary Rogers. He said,"You can do anything you want to do. You have a
master's degree." At the time, I did as I was told to do. I followed all of Dr. Roger's
recommendations; however, nothing convinced Terry that writing was work. I began
to express my feelings when I remarked, "My husband does not accept me as I am."
He replied, "No, he does not."
During all that time, though, in practical terms; I was LOST. For the first time
in my life, I stopped attending church. There was no hope in my life whatsoever.
Clinical depression can only be described as something that takes away the mind,
the heart, and the soul of a person. What God has given us as human beings -
our personality, our dreams, our goals - the very things that make us who we are
as individuals - is cut out of one's will to live. That's why recovery is so far-reaching.
Dr. Rogers also recommended that I find another job because Terry did not feel
successful unless I was working. In view of the fact that he was my doctor, I did not
argue with him. Looking back at the situation now, I should have demanded, "What
is Terry doing to make me feel better?"
Although the counseling helped me tremendously, Terry only attended one meeting.
I put my first job application in at ARBY'S and stayed there for seven years. Nothing
had changed at all. Life went on just as if there had been no problem in our marriage.
I really do not remember when I started thinking about attending church again.
Perhaps it was my grandmother's death that got me to thinking about heaven and
seeing both of my grandparents again. Whatever the reason, we both started looking
for another church and found it after a thorough search of the surrounding community.
In the meantime, I was invited to go back to work with my former manager from
ARBY'S at Mountain View Convenience. Immediately, when I walked into that place,I
knew that I didn't belong there. If I had been smart, I would have walked back out
that door and stayed away permanently. One month was all that I had planned
to give it; however, I worked there for three and one-half years. If I had not stayed,
I would not have been fired from this job.
Of course, it was bad news and a disappointment for me; nevertheless, I began to
think of it as a blessing in disguise. This gift became an opportunity for me to evaluate
my life and its direction thereafter. I wanted to sit down and think and do nothing and
I wanted to do it for 365 days straight in a row - no matter what Terry did or said.
That is if God would also allow it to happen for me, too.
Terry may not have been listening to me, but God was deeply aware of my personal
struggles. I spoke to no one about them; it was between God and me. Probably because
I did not go to my friends, He sent someone directly to me in the privacy of my home.
It remained an unexpected source of information and that wellspring came from
Enjoying Everyday Life with Joyce Meyer. It was particularly those words:
Enjoying Everyday Life.
About the first thing Joyce said was, "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you,
do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you,
and persecute you." Matthew 5:45 (KJV)
Secondly, she clearly declared that if you want to do something for Jesus or
if Jesus has given you a special talent, you will be criticized; you will lose
family members and friends because they do not understand it.
Slowly, oh so very slowly, God provided the insights I needed to help solve
my problems. For example, Terry would be argumentative, so that he could
say, "My wife is better to get along with when she works." Now, if he starts
being negative, it is better to keep my mouth shut. Terry is upset because he
cannot control me. My mother tried to control me and that ended tragically.
And, too, I had never thought about my husband being my enemy. I prayed
for God to bless Terry in every possible way - spiritually, physically, and
financially - so that maybe he will know that God cares for him, too.
By turning everything over to God, I was finally able to break free from my past.
To really be free in Christ is to become the person that God meant me to be and
that I can be happy, regardless of my circumstances.
It was like I Found Love On A Two-Way Street And Lost It On A Lonely Highway.
Ever since we've been married, I have supported Terry in whatever work he was
able to find or anything that he has been interested in; for instance,
in the field of photography.
What does the Bible say about work? "Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do,
do it with thy might." Ecclasiates 9:10 (KJV)
Whatsoever means, that with God's help, I will make the decision that is
best for me. Even Betty White knows, "If you have a calling, you must follow it."
The years between 1991 - 1994 were the worst years in my life for three major reasons:
(1) My very last attempt at pregnancy had failed. I had to face the facts that
I would never have children or grandchildren. Terry wasn't as concerned
about it because he had been able to discuss these things with his father before he died.
(2) I had no mother. Physically, she was there. She wasn't there mentally, emotionally,
or spiritually because she was consumed with bitterness and hatred for my father
following their divorce. Even as a child I knew that both of my parents had been responsible
for their divorce, but I couldn't tell my mother that. As far as I am concerned, I think she would have
been better off if she had never married; but that is just my personal opinion.
(3) Terry wanted to surgically remove writing out of my life forever because I
wasn't making enough money to help pay the bills. I also think that he was
jealous of my gift. That's why he was so violent in his behavior towards me.
It was emotional abuse. He practically bullied me into submission. That is now
known as psychological bullying. Writing was the only thing I had left that
was mine. When it was gone, my life ended as I knew it.
Now, even today, Terry has remained the same because that is the way
he thinks about work. He has no concept that God has an individual
plan for each person.
Earlier this year, I applied for a more traditional part-time job. However,
I did not get that job. If I had been hired, I wouldn't have been able to
write this particular article now. Instead of sitting down and thinking and
doing nothing; God wants me to sit down, think, and write.
Why did God give me this specific talent knowing that one day I might
have committed suicide in reference to it? Because God needed to develop
my character. I will repeat it again: God needed to develop my character.
What did I learn? That no man can take away that which God has put in my heart.
It has been twenty-five years since I first received the call to write. I have spent
many sleepless nights and shed many tears typing these exact words
on my computer so that I can write it down on paper for you - my readers.
Once again, I am hurting financially. But God said, "Catherine,
I will take care of you." Don't Worry, Be Happy!
Upon reflection of my one year sabbitical, it was better that I spent more time
in my personal relationship with Jesus Christ. To know God, you must
be alone with Him.
When my mother died, my mother-in-law declared, "She was the most
stubborness woman I have ever known." Pray with me that I don't have to
put these words on Terry's tombstone: "He was the most stub-born-ness
man I have ever known!"
Before I knew it another year had come and gone, and it was now January,
2011; and there was my husband once again earnestly pleading, "It would
help me out if you could find a job." It was only then that I remembered that
God had kept His promise to me. That's why I got another job.
Now, I am an AVON representative. Oh,God!, here we go again.
(If you have a dream, the time to act upon it is now. Do not wait.)
That's All Folks!
